Onion Spec Sample

Justice Scalia Projectile Vomits On Journalist When Asked About Prisoner’s Constitutional Right To Sex-Change

            Earlier this month, a federal judge in Boston ordered the Massachusetts Department of Correction to provided a sex-change operation to a transgender prisoner. Chief U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf stated that denying this prisoner sex-reassignment surgery would violate the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment. When Justice Scalia was asked about Judge Wolf’s decision, the conservative Supreme Court Justice promptly threw-up on the un-expecting journalist.

“It was bizarre,” states the reporter. “After I asked his opinion about the decision, he just stared at me blankly for about thirty seconds, blinking. Then he opened his mouth to say something. I thought he was going to give me some originalist horseshit about how the framers of the Constitution could never imagine that such a thing as a sex-change operation would ever exist, but instead he just puked on me.”   The event was witnessed by several by-standers outside the Courthouse. “I’ve never seen vomit that black before… it was fuckin disgusting.”

Former colleagues and employees state that this phenomenon is nothing new for Scalia. Attorney Brent Darcy, who clerked for Justice Scalia from 2000 to 2004, explains: “Scalia would often have adverse physical reactions to Supreme Court decisions he disagreed with… especially decisions giving gay people rights. I remember being in his office with the other clerks after the Lawrence v. Texas decision. He was absolutely livid, ranting about state’s rights for about ten minutes. Then, all of a sudden, he got very quite and just started staring into space, blinking, and that’s when the smell hit me. After about a minute of complete silence, he just told us to get out. To this day I can’t be sure if he defecated or just passed gas.”

Other former law clerks are more certain about what they witnessed that day. “That guy shit himself,” states one former clerk of Scalia’s who requested to remain anonymous. “I know the difference between farting and shitting, and that guy shat his pants, no question about it. The next day, there was a different office chair behind Scalia’s desk, but I swear to god that smell lingered in his office for weeks. After that, whenever the Court made a pro-gay decision, I called in sick.”

Several current Supreme Court Justices were contacted for comment on the ‘Justice Scalia’s projectile vomit incident,’ yet all the Justices contacted have refuse to respond. There has been no attempt, however, to contact Justice Thomas for fear that he too may vomit or defecate on the offending reporter.